My entire life is one complicated drinking game
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Randomize