he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
