Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
