I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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