I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
