mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
