The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
