Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
