just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
