i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
