Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
