You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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