Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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