wrigley field is MILF paradise
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
