How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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