I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
