i think my tv is drunk
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
25 People Admit the Worst Things They’ve Done for Good Reasons
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
25 Things All Men Can Definitely Agree On
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?