Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
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He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
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I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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