i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
