I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
