so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
