the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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