mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
