He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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