had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
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