alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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