Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
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Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
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I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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