Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
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