I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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