grandma shit on top of the toilet
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
