Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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