omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
accomplished twins. life is a go
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.