you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
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Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
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Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.