Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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