I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Pappa wants mamma naked
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Randomize
