I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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