she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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