I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
