broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
