just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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