yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
