I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
