i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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