Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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