So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
