My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
