If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
