She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize