u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
