I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
