I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
