I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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