I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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