I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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