so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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